I am not unlike half of the Asian donors in AED who prefer not to tell their family that they donated their eggs. You can read in one of my early posts my reasons that I didn't want to tell my Korean mother especially, so therefore I kept it from the rest of my family too. My support came from my husband and a couple of select friends I trusted to keep this secret.

I was worried my mother might feel some attachment to those donated eggs and the children conceived from this process. She and my whole family know I work with this agency and what it's all about, and even had "hypothetical" conversations about my sister and I donating our eggs and how our parents would feel. My dad thought it was really neat and fully supported if we wanted to. My sister's boyfriend was also there for this conversation and he supported it, but was concerned about health risks and if it might inhibit her from having children in the future (it doesn't). My mom said she would be fine with it, but she would wish she could see how those children fair in life. This gave us enough reason to hold onto this secret a little longer - that she might have an emotional connection to her genetic offspring. But this really dug at me from the inside. I knew it would be a rough start to tell her, but she did also show she would understand and accept it. She is more Western than traditional Asian and quite open-minded, so we finally made the decision to tell her.

Plus, I needed to tell my family about the SMA gene I was tested positive for (see previous post). My siblings need to be tested to see if their spouses should also be tested. And I'm very curious to know which side of the family it came from. I feel there are cousins I need to also warn.

When I finally decided to share my donations with my family, I decided to first tell my mom individually. I didn't want anyone breaking it to her before me -- that could end in tragedy. I was prepared and had the introduction letters I had received from each of the recipients explaining who they were and why they needed my help. I fortunately also had some additional letters from my first recipients talking about how happy their lives are and their infinite appreciation for the gift of their child. That was probably the best thing that helped my mom understand the main reason why I chose to do this, and she came around to accept it quickly. She felt the most empathy toward all the recipients who struggled for so long and had little hope to ever raise children otherwise.

I next told my sister and she was excited about it. She wanted to be there when I told my dad and brother. My mom was there for this revealing too and everyone thought it was really cool and supported that I had done it myself.

There are some donors that apply and we ask them if they have any support for their donation. Some donors have already told everyone they know they want to do this and have their support. There are a few (mainly international students) who are scared to tell anyone, scared that it's too taboo a subject to discuss with any of their friends, and are alone through the process. I recommend letting at least one person close to you know so they can accompany you for the retrieval. You can call on them if you need help, especially if you are too scared to take your first injection by yourself.

For those who plan to wait to tell their family until they are matched and already starting the donation process, do not do this! You are bringing them some pretty heavy news that affects them as well, and since they have no time to process even the idea of this because you are already committed to go through with it, they tend to react pretty strongly with little chance of having an open mind. If you will let your family in on this info, you need to tell them before or after you are committed to a donation cycle.